24th Feb was the second anniversary of my blog....I started to write this blog with some inspiration from my life and it events but after writing the first one, I didn't publish it.I wanted to keep this only to myself and I kept it the same way for one and half year till I met her. I didn't continue with my first blog, basically dropping the idea. But on 23rd March I got my first reply from her when I had followed her on social media. At this time, my life was normal but a tragedy was awaiting to strike on me with my career. After a few days my project was discontinued by the client and our organization gave us the option to shift to a South State with the same package and work on a outdated technology or leave the job. Both the options were not feasible and I went into depression. I tried to look for every option and apply everywhere and was ready to work for even a lesser amount of salary but I was not able to find anything suitable.My health too was deteriorating and that was an added tension to my family. They gave me full support but I knew things were not good even for them. I had a month in hand and had to decide on something before I was kicked out of the organization. I had some balance in my account which I thought to invest in the weekend training to enhance my skill which could open a potential job for me. I started with it and time flew like the sand drops from the hands and you can't control it. I was soon going to complete the training but there were no signs of getting a job even after that. One day I got a job interview which I went through and that could have payed me double the amount I was currently receiving but that would drop my level of experience as the interviewer clearly told me that I was over qualified for the post but its completely my decision whether I wanna join or not. It was an semi government organization and that could have been a advantage in my resume but at the same time the level of work was also a question to me. A day later my senior project manager had called me to provide an offer in the same city and if I am ready to take this offer. He didn't told me about the work details and asked only for "Yes or No?" as an answer. I asked for sometime to think and answer as I wanted to analyze the options I had in hand and then take a decision. I also had tried to interview for an call center and of all the things I had, I chose to stay with the same company.
At the same time I again had the chance to talk to the same girl while I was missing her on my profile and saw that she didn't logged in from last few days. It was 13th June, 2014 when we actually had conversation for the first time and soon enough from 21st June, 2014 we started to talk regularly. We both enjoyed talking to each other and discuss every topic in the world. Soon I let her knew about my blog which was left as a secret only to myself. She read and liked it and asked me why did I stop writing and I told her the reason. This time she inspired me to write further and I felt confident about myself and so I continued writing once or twice in a month. The feeling was so good and something different which I had never felt about myself. I told her everything about what had happen in the past few months and how I was trying to overcome it and she would back me on that. Somewhere between all our laughs, long talks, stupid little arguments and all our jokes....I fell in love with her even without seeing her or even her photograph or knowing her real name, age. But I didn't had the courage to say it to her. One day during our convo I came to know that she already have someone in her life and she is very happy about it. As soon as I knew about it, I tried to move away from her. So I told her about it but she didn't wanted me to go and fought enough to make me stay. But with all the promises I left. I could have easily forgot about everything but the way she had fought, that made me think about her and myself and I sneaked into her profile while I was gone . Soon enough after two days I went back to social media and asked her if she could be my life coach. Initially she didn't knew what I was asking from her but after I explained it to her, she readily agreed to do it for me. Things started on a very good note and the understanding, bonding between the two of us grew so well that not even a single day would be missed without talking to each other and we knew what the other one is doing at that time. The time which we used for our convo was always fixed and slowly slowly it grew to be all day land night long. I started to fell more and more for her. One fine day we both came to know about the surprise that God had for us to make us meet. The details are in the post "A Journey to Remember". I saw her for the first time in almost 2 months and she was as beautiful as her soul. I realized that I was right for the first time in my life and this was what I wanted to happen in my life after all the miseries. Few days after coming back I had my sadist mode on again and after too much of over thinking I finally told her about my feelings. She took it very well and even though all of this happened she wanted to be friends with me. Even I didn't wanna lose her at any cost. We met officially for the first time and talked to each other in person. Basically she wanted to meet me to make me understand that its not possible what I want from her because she is already with someone but she could hardly do it while I kept on blabbering about myself and my miseries of the past. It was the best day of my life and didn't knew how time flew away. On that day I suggested her that I want to prove it to her that what I feel for her is love and not attraction. We decided to stop talking to each other for a week and then again meet next week with clear instructions from her that she would speak and I have to remain silent. I tried and answered every question after she had completed. Between I told her about the opportunity that I was getting in a different city. Now I didn't wanted to take it as I wanted to be with her. Partly because I felt completed with her and partly because of what I had known about her I wanted to accompany her with everything. I wanted to give her all the experience that she missed and above all I wanted to be there for her always. She would not share everything about her, just the chosen thing she felt comfortable about. During all this time I started doing things which I never imagined I would do. I started praying for us to be together, kept fast with her to accompany her and all this kinda stuffs. She didn't like this things but I kept on doing it.
Soon the time came when I had to take a decision for my career but I was worried about leaving my parents behind and now I was also worried about leaving her behind as well. I talked to her about this but some how she convinced me to go and even I had to do it because I wanted a bright future with her and the pay was really good enough to end all my miseries. I accepted the opportunity and now I had only one month in hand. I decided to meet her on every weekend and she readily agreed to it. This weekends were the best time of my life. But at the same time I was sad because it was gonna end soon and hence I didn't wanted to leave any chance that I had to meet her,be it after work even on weekdays. At the same time I was worried that when I leave she would again be alone and also somewhere the bonding which I had with her now would fade away due to distance and she would leave. We had some beautiful time together before the day actually came when I had to leave. That last day, we had hold hands for a long time, I wanted to hug her tight and let her know how much I would miss her but she didn't allow and I had the last glimpse of her and tears fell down after we were separated. She was also trying hard to be normal on this day but couldn't control herself at the ending. Now we were officially apart from each other. Soon enough she had her exams and I made sure to wish her luck every single day. But she didn't liked it because I got up early ruining my sleep as I worked in night shifts. I knew she won't mind and I continued to do so. This time we had cut on our conversation as well because I didn't wanted to disturb her while I was missing her a lot...and one fine day I ended up telling her. She reacted weirdly to that and started saying vague things and I got frightened that she wants to end up everything. I tried to talk to her but she got held up and we ended up having our first fight. I punished myself for that and didn't talk to her but soon enough we patched up and discussed the differences between us. After the exams were over she got busy in her cousin's wedding and the conversation now lasted only for a few minutes. And it was completely stopped during the wedding week. She didn't ping me even after 3-4 days when the wedding was over. I knew she might have been held up and not using her phone so I used a trick and that worked and she replied back with a sorry and would catch up as soon as she is back.
Everytime she was traveling, she would inform me, but this time she didn't and by now my sixth sense regarding this was perfect and I had already sensed it that she was returning back. The next day we talked but she seemed to be totally different. I could sense it and somewhere I knew what it could be but kept mum and wanted it to come from her but she denied every time and said everything is fine. I wrote my blog about how I missed her during this couple of months and let her knew and she broke out to that. She told me everything is over and tried to be rude. She said she can be friends but nothing else. I was not able to gulp this well and tried to argue but all this was on chat and I couldn't call her at that time. I punished myself again that day and next day I called her and tried to convince her but she went far being rude and even I replied her the same way. We stopped talking to each other for months together. During all these days I realized how badly I had reacted and understood that I had to be sorry for what I done to her. I went home after 3 months and first thing I did was to meet her. I messaged her about the place,time and I reached there. I waited for almost one and half hour but no signs of her. Then I got a reply, again a rude one and saying that she is not in town. I couldn't believe and I did a reality check on it. I called up at her work place and they gave me the address where she could be. I sprinted my way there only to find out that it was an off day for her there. I didn't knew what to do now. I believed her that she is not there for 2 days and waited for her ping. But as expected she didn't ping me when she was back. I reached at her work place again uninformed and this time I met her. She went in shock to see me standing there in front of her and I assured her that I would leave in two minutes and not take much for her time. I said sorry with folded hands and handed over the bag which was a collection of some gifts for her. She denied taking it but I was adamant not to take it back. I got up to leave but she said wait as she wanted to talk and said what had held up and we talked for good 10 mins. She was busy so I started to leave and she asked if I could wait for her another one hour, I readily said Yes and I did the same. She came out after one hour and we started to walk. She asked me the questions about my well being and then broke the news to me. I already had wrote a letter which was in the bag stating how wrong I was to come in between her love and so I was okay with the news. But when she said its not the same person and her expression and the way she was telling, I knew she was not that happy with the decision but as always she knew how to pretend well. I argued again to her but she kept on saying the same but with a sad face and a fake smile trying to joke it out. I could see on her face how disturbed she is and how difficult it is for her. I wanted to help her but she didn't allowed. She said she had cried over this and is firm on this decision now. I wanted to console her but had no words, I wanted to stop her but didn't knew how. She wanted to go and told me don't know when she can meet or talk again. I asked her if she wanted to or not and she said don't know. She said things are held up for now but in sometime it would be all be ok and she went. I kept watching her go while I wanted her to stay.
I had cried,hurt myself, begged to God a month ago when we first stopped talking. But now I just wanted to kill myself for this. I didn't went there to be with her but after knowing all this I wanted to be with her even badly. Somehow I gathered myself from pieces and came back to work city. I was not feeling good about anything during this time and once I stopped myself on a busy highway just near enough to be hit by a Traveller. But I couldn't give away my life. I had to look after my parents being the only son and my responsibilities towards them. Even though I am not dead physically but am dead from the inside just leaving life for sake of living and responsibilities. During my visit my parents had arranged an meeting with family to look for a potential bride. I went there for my parents wish and talked to the girl and told my parents about the honest things I felt about it. Next day again they called them home for second meeting against my will and made me do it again. This time more confidently I could answer them about this. When I went back and all the situations were blowing up in my mind, I succumbed to everything and told my parents to do whatever they want and I would be ok with it. After a few days they decided and asked me if I was ok with the decision. I again told them I am ok with anything they choose for me. I knew where I am heading to and its an added responsibility and matter of someone else's life. I decided that I won't hurt anyone because I knew how it felt. But still I was unclear about this and tried talking to friends to have a clear view. Everybody said something and one of them even said that you always got "No" from everybody and if you are getting this opportunity grab it with both hands. Somewhere I felt insulted but I knew what he was saying is also true. Nobody was able to clear up my mind and honestly I knew it was me who has to take the decision and face its consequences. I got call from Mom and she talked very emotionally. I wanted my parents happiness and so I chose what they wanted for me. But things didn't clear in my mind. One fine day I had a huge argument with them regarding this and I ended up hurting them more. The only thing that I wanted was their happiness but even I failed there. I failed on the only reason to live as well. I started to act as a fool and started drinking heavily to clear my mind. Apart from this I was not having food for many reasons. This just added to my health issues making it worse for me. I tried to talk about this to every one I trusted upon but I was not able to conclude about anything. I started asking questions to God about what he has in the store for me and why is he doing like this to me. I heard people saying that they had or have face much more then this. But I am concerned about myself and what I am facing and what am gonna get outta this.
I just know that she came into my life at the very right time and did all the right things to me. Be it for whatever reason, she withdrew herself from me leaving me back alone and now I am so lost that I have lost my own being. They say time will heal all this, but for me time is only making it harder for me to accept it. I am trying to keep myself busy everytime doing something and keeping people around to overcome her thoughts but its like with every breath I have her thoughts and I know am never gonna overcome this in my life till I breath. I don't know whether this matters to her or not but I know how badly it does for me. All I want is to be with her again at any cost. Otherwise I have to live with screwed up life till my parents are around and if am alone after them I would too leave this world. Also I am just wondering and praying God to end my life asap and end the sorrows I have brought into to the people who care about me. I don't want to give up myself making them feel down about themselves but naturally I wanna leave this world. I don't know whether I am gonna write further in future or not but certainly this blog journey has been my only support.....
At the same time I again had the chance to talk to the same girl while I was missing her on my profile and saw that she didn't logged in from last few days. It was 13th June, 2014 when we actually had conversation for the first time and soon enough from 21st June, 2014 we started to talk regularly. We both enjoyed talking to each other and discuss every topic in the world. Soon I let her knew about my blog which was left as a secret only to myself. She read and liked it and asked me why did I stop writing and I told her the reason. This time she inspired me to write further and I felt confident about myself and so I continued writing once or twice in a month. The feeling was so good and something different which I had never felt about myself. I told her everything about what had happen in the past few months and how I was trying to overcome it and she would back me on that. Somewhere between all our laughs, long talks, stupid little arguments and all our jokes....I fell in love with her even without seeing her or even her photograph or knowing her real name, age. But I didn't had the courage to say it to her. One day during our convo I came to know that she already have someone in her life and she is very happy about it. As soon as I knew about it, I tried to move away from her. So I told her about it but she didn't wanted me to go and fought enough to make me stay. But with all the promises I left. I could have easily forgot about everything but the way she had fought, that made me think about her and myself and I sneaked into her profile while I was gone . Soon enough after two days I went back to social media and asked her if she could be my life coach. Initially she didn't knew what I was asking from her but after I explained it to her, she readily agreed to do it for me. Things started on a very good note and the understanding, bonding between the two of us grew so well that not even a single day would be missed without talking to each other and we knew what the other one is doing at that time. The time which we used for our convo was always fixed and slowly slowly it grew to be all day land night long. I started to fell more and more for her. One fine day we both came to know about the surprise that God had for us to make us meet. The details are in the post "A Journey to Remember". I saw her for the first time in almost 2 months and she was as beautiful as her soul. I realized that I was right for the first time in my life and this was what I wanted to happen in my life after all the miseries. Few days after coming back I had my sadist mode on again and after too much of over thinking I finally told her about my feelings. She took it very well and even though all of this happened she wanted to be friends with me. Even I didn't wanna lose her at any cost. We met officially for the first time and talked to each other in person. Basically she wanted to meet me to make me understand that its not possible what I want from her because she is already with someone but she could hardly do it while I kept on blabbering about myself and my miseries of the past. It was the best day of my life and didn't knew how time flew away. On that day I suggested her that I want to prove it to her that what I feel for her is love and not attraction. We decided to stop talking to each other for a week and then again meet next week with clear instructions from her that she would speak and I have to remain silent. I tried and answered every question after she had completed. Between I told her about the opportunity that I was getting in a different city. Now I didn't wanted to take it as I wanted to be with her. Partly because I felt completed with her and partly because of what I had known about her I wanted to accompany her with everything. I wanted to give her all the experience that she missed and above all I wanted to be there for her always. She would not share everything about her, just the chosen thing she felt comfortable about. During all this time I started doing things which I never imagined I would do. I started praying for us to be together, kept fast with her to accompany her and all this kinda stuffs. She didn't like this things but I kept on doing it.
Soon the time came when I had to take a decision for my career but I was worried about leaving my parents behind and now I was also worried about leaving her behind as well. I talked to her about this but some how she convinced me to go and even I had to do it because I wanted a bright future with her and the pay was really good enough to end all my miseries. I accepted the opportunity and now I had only one month in hand. I decided to meet her on every weekend and she readily agreed to it. This weekends were the best time of my life. But at the same time I was sad because it was gonna end soon and hence I didn't wanted to leave any chance that I had to meet her,be it after work even on weekdays. At the same time I was worried that when I leave she would again be alone and also somewhere the bonding which I had with her now would fade away due to distance and she would leave. We had some beautiful time together before the day actually came when I had to leave. That last day, we had hold hands for a long time, I wanted to hug her tight and let her know how much I would miss her but she didn't allow and I had the last glimpse of her and tears fell down after we were separated. She was also trying hard to be normal on this day but couldn't control herself at the ending. Now we were officially apart from each other. Soon enough she had her exams and I made sure to wish her luck every single day. But she didn't liked it because I got up early ruining my sleep as I worked in night shifts. I knew she won't mind and I continued to do so. This time we had cut on our conversation as well because I didn't wanted to disturb her while I was missing her a lot...and one fine day I ended up telling her. She reacted weirdly to that and started saying vague things and I got frightened that she wants to end up everything. I tried to talk to her but she got held up and we ended up having our first fight. I punished myself for that and didn't talk to her but soon enough we patched up and discussed the differences between us. After the exams were over she got busy in her cousin's wedding and the conversation now lasted only for a few minutes. And it was completely stopped during the wedding week. She didn't ping me even after 3-4 days when the wedding was over. I knew she might have been held up and not using her phone so I used a trick and that worked and she replied back with a sorry and would catch up as soon as she is back.
Everytime she was traveling, she would inform me, but this time she didn't and by now my sixth sense regarding this was perfect and I had already sensed it that she was returning back. The next day we talked but she seemed to be totally different. I could sense it and somewhere I knew what it could be but kept mum and wanted it to come from her but she denied every time and said everything is fine. I wrote my blog about how I missed her during this couple of months and let her knew and she broke out to that. She told me everything is over and tried to be rude. She said she can be friends but nothing else. I was not able to gulp this well and tried to argue but all this was on chat and I couldn't call her at that time. I punished myself again that day and next day I called her and tried to convince her but she went far being rude and even I replied her the same way. We stopped talking to each other for months together. During all these days I realized how badly I had reacted and understood that I had to be sorry for what I done to her. I went home after 3 months and first thing I did was to meet her. I messaged her about the place,time and I reached there. I waited for almost one and half hour but no signs of her. Then I got a reply, again a rude one and saying that she is not in town. I couldn't believe and I did a reality check on it. I called up at her work place and they gave me the address where she could be. I sprinted my way there only to find out that it was an off day for her there. I didn't knew what to do now. I believed her that she is not there for 2 days and waited for her ping. But as expected she didn't ping me when she was back. I reached at her work place again uninformed and this time I met her. She went in shock to see me standing there in front of her and I assured her that I would leave in two minutes and not take much for her time. I said sorry with folded hands and handed over the bag which was a collection of some gifts for her. She denied taking it but I was adamant not to take it back. I got up to leave but she said wait as she wanted to talk and said what had held up and we talked for good 10 mins. She was busy so I started to leave and she asked if I could wait for her another one hour, I readily said Yes and I did the same. She came out after one hour and we started to walk. She asked me the questions about my well being and then broke the news to me. I already had wrote a letter which was in the bag stating how wrong I was to come in between her love and so I was okay with the news. But when she said its not the same person and her expression and the way she was telling, I knew she was not that happy with the decision but as always she knew how to pretend well. I argued again to her but she kept on saying the same but with a sad face and a fake smile trying to joke it out. I could see on her face how disturbed she is and how difficult it is for her. I wanted to help her but she didn't allowed. She said she had cried over this and is firm on this decision now. I wanted to console her but had no words, I wanted to stop her but didn't knew how. She wanted to go and told me don't know when she can meet or talk again. I asked her if she wanted to or not and she said don't know. She said things are held up for now but in sometime it would be all be ok and she went. I kept watching her go while I wanted her to stay.
I had cried,hurt myself, begged to God a month ago when we first stopped talking. But now I just wanted to kill myself for this. I didn't went there to be with her but after knowing all this I wanted to be with her even badly. Somehow I gathered myself from pieces and came back to work city. I was not feeling good about anything during this time and once I stopped myself on a busy highway just near enough to be hit by a Traveller. But I couldn't give away my life. I had to look after my parents being the only son and my responsibilities towards them. Even though I am not dead physically but am dead from the inside just leaving life for sake of living and responsibilities. During my visit my parents had arranged an meeting with family to look for a potential bride. I went there for my parents wish and talked to the girl and told my parents about the honest things I felt about it. Next day again they called them home for second meeting against my will and made me do it again. This time more confidently I could answer them about this. When I went back and all the situations were blowing up in my mind, I succumbed to everything and told my parents to do whatever they want and I would be ok with it. After a few days they decided and asked me if I was ok with the decision. I again told them I am ok with anything they choose for me. I knew where I am heading to and its an added responsibility and matter of someone else's life. I decided that I won't hurt anyone because I knew how it felt. But still I was unclear about this and tried talking to friends to have a clear view. Everybody said something and one of them even said that you always got "No" from everybody and if you are getting this opportunity grab it with both hands. Somewhere I felt insulted but I knew what he was saying is also true. Nobody was able to clear up my mind and honestly I knew it was me who has to take the decision and face its consequences. I got call from Mom and she talked very emotionally. I wanted my parents happiness and so I chose what they wanted for me. But things didn't clear in my mind. One fine day I had a huge argument with them regarding this and I ended up hurting them more. The only thing that I wanted was their happiness but even I failed there. I failed on the only reason to live as well. I started to act as a fool and started drinking heavily to clear my mind. Apart from this I was not having food for many reasons. This just added to my health issues making it worse for me. I tried to talk about this to every one I trusted upon but I was not able to conclude about anything. I started asking questions to God about what he has in the store for me and why is he doing like this to me. I heard people saying that they had or have face much more then this. But I am concerned about myself and what I am facing and what am gonna get outta this.
I just know that she came into my life at the very right time and did all the right things to me. Be it for whatever reason, she withdrew herself from me leaving me back alone and now I am so lost that I have lost my own being. They say time will heal all this, but for me time is only making it harder for me to accept it. I am trying to keep myself busy everytime doing something and keeping people around to overcome her thoughts but its like with every breath I have her thoughts and I know am never gonna overcome this in my life till I breath. I don't know whether this matters to her or not but I know how badly it does for me. All I want is to be with her again at any cost. Otherwise I have to live with screwed up life till my parents are around and if am alone after them I would too leave this world. Also I am just wondering and praying God to end my life asap and end the sorrows I have brought into to the people who care about me. I don't want to give up myself making them feel down about themselves but naturally I wanna leave this world. I don't know whether I am gonna write further in future or not but certainly this blog journey has been my only support.....
Dard dilon ke kam ho jaate
Main aur Tum agar hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum agar hum ho jaate
Kitne haseen aalam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Dard dilo ke kam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar hum ho jaate
Kitne haseen aalam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Tere bina na aaye sukoon
Naa aaye qaraar mujhe
Door wo saare bharam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Ishq adhoora duniya adhoori
Khwahish meri kardo na poori
Dil toh yehi chaahe
Tera aur Mera ho jaaye muqammal ye afsaana
Har mushqil aasaan ho jaati
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Kitne haseen aalam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Baaqi nahi kuch par dil na maane
Dil ki baate dil hi jaane
Hum dono kahin pe mil jaayenge ik din
Inn ummeedon pe hi main hoon zinda
Har manzil haasil ho jaati
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Kitne haseen aalam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Dard dilon ke kam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum agar hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum agar hum ho jaate
Kitne haseen aalam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Dard dilo ke kam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar hum ho jaate
Kitne haseen aalam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Tere bina na aaye sukoon
Naa aaye qaraar mujhe
Door wo saare bharam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Ishq adhoora duniya adhoori
Khwahish meri kardo na poori
Dil toh yehi chaahe
Tera aur Mera ho jaaye muqammal ye afsaana
Har mushqil aasaan ho jaati
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Kitne haseen aalam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Baaqi nahi kuch par dil na maane
Dil ki baate dil hi jaane
Hum dono kahin pe mil jaayenge ik din
Inn ummeedon pe hi main hoon zinda
Har manzil haasil ho jaati
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jate
Kitne haseen aalam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar Hum ho jaate
Dard dilon ke kam ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar hum ho jaate
Main aur Tum gar hum ho jaate
I wish you luck boy. There are different heals too.God bless. Lucky girl though
ReplyDeleteI wish you luck boy. There are different heals too.God bless. Lucky girl though
ReplyDeleteThanks Dee...
Delete