Yup, its been long since I wrote last time but life itself has been a merry go round. Change of place (back homeYippie!!!) which also means change of job and other perks with it. But today I chose to write because an old chapter of my life just got repeated not exactly in same manner but the start and the end result are same. So its gonna be an another long story....I hope you would be patient enough to read till the end.
After the debacle of my compromised engagement I chose to take a break from relationship and concentrate on my career and enjoy life for a year atleast and it was the best phase of life where I became more bold about my decisions and goals and achieved a lot from it. But time was running and again the pressure of getting into a relationship by parents started and it was also piled as my best friends were also getting married to the love of their life. I decided to go for the Matrimonial websites and got myself registered in 3 of them ofcourse for the free service (Gujju After all) but not really free as your number gets shared and your mail is spammed by them. Almost 5-6 months into it but nothing really caught my attention, a few Accepted ones but couldn't find on Facebook so decided to pass on. Until Diwali last year I found a profile of the girl really interesting, incidentally of my own community and preferable attributes like education, personality, thinking etc. I decided to send the interest and it got accepted in few days. I took the next step to search on facebook and voila found her. But she was smart enough to keep only few pics visible to all. I messaged her and got the reply in a day. She said "HOROSCOPE MATCH IS A MUST" I said I have been in an broken engagement if that doesn't bother you than I'll send you the details. She accepted and I send her the details. It took some time for her to reply after checking the horoscope match but we wrote each other once or twice in a while to keep the communication going. After a few days I got her reply "No, horoscope doesn't match, so we should stop it here. Best of Luck" I replied yes I know it matches on average, I already checked online. About a month and half later, during new year's eve I pinged to wish and got the reply as well and then we wrote to each other daily without realizing it. It went on quite well and we came to know each other very well. I hesitated to ask for her number but one day she herself gave it to me. My mobile didn't has enough space for Messenger but WhatsApp solved the Notification issue to avoid missing the message. Around Valentine's week I consulted my parents that should I ask again because for them some of her attributes were in doubt namely the comparison of our height, her native which was not on my Mother's good books, Horoscope match which created doubt for them as well because once they believed in it but were ready to let go. After a lot of discussion and requests by me they agreed and I asked her again, potentially proposed because by this time I knew her a bit more, most of our habits, personality matched and had differences as well. To which she replied she would consult her Mother, her Dad is tough to break but her Mom can do it and lastly she will take the decision after her cousin's marriage which were around that weekend.
Till this time we had occasional Voice and Video calls according to availability because she is not allowed phone in her Delivery Center. One day she gave a shock by putting her Mother on call asking me my details and enquired about my family.....giving me a real SURPRISE but some how I managed it. Her mother asked to be patient as they were doing a thorough analysis of what can be done with the horoscope match. We still continued writing each other, greeting each other, talking and sharing pictures, food pics etc. Also we tried to know each other more during this period. One day she messaged me in afternoon that need to talk in evening and she was not quite chatty the last night which made me a bit worried. The entire day I couldn't get my mind off it and waited for the evening to arrive and more of the call. She told "The horoscope doesn't match and there are no remedies to it, but her maternal Grandfather said if you like then go ahead for it without thinking about the Horoscope...her uncle was ready to intervene with her father if required but meet me if required."
Her voice and mood had already made me realize that she is quite not liking it to say and was forcefully doing it against her wish and I tried to explain her what needs to think and then reply, I didnt had quite of it on my mind but my bookish knowledge and experience came to rescue and help me talk to her or as she said brainwash her which was never my intention. By this time we had known that we are quite a COPYCAT of each other and also had difference in quite of the opinions. During this time we discussed a lot about personal, professional life and many more thing thing under the sun. She came back stating lets meet once and take further course of action, we were quite a good or rather close friends by this time and decided that whatever is the decision but the friendship will remain as it is and that was the biggest reason to meet. I was on notice during that time and decided to take a few Comp off clubbed with week off because I wanted to give her surprise on her Birthday but she denied that there is no hurry in meeting and don't want to create some memories which might hurt, so asked to complete my notice period and then we'll meet. I obliged her and made it sure that I have a week in between the joining to keep 2 days exclusively for our meeting quite rather the traveling and tour of her city. Next few days we were only deciding on what to do and how to go, where to go and all. I was just counting days for two reasons, first being going back home and second being 2 days later meeting her.
Finally the days arrived and we met for the first time F2F and enjoyed a lot on that 2 days. Some of the quieter moments at some place near riverfront, Lakeside, garden, candle light dinner were the best of all which just made me fall for her more even when I was being a lot cautious from my previous experience being hurt but for some time I couldn't control and sometimes walked away in hurry namely while bidding good bye for last time. I met her parents there, quite awkward for me to talk alone to grown ups and been interviewed by 5 people of her family and still holing it tight with a smile and answering to the best of my knowledge. I could see quite convincing a few and one difficult to break and one unreadable. To top it she prepared so many things as per my likes, her specialties putting it all to the delicacies at once. The best moment at her home came when her most loved person her father asked for water but she ended up giving to me as being more focused towards me. I could talk all of it to her later with clear mind to let her know what I felt. When I asked her parents about me "They replied into take the next step and meet my parents to discuss further.." My happiness knew no bounds hearing that knowing I could do it. Actually my strength to go for this parental meeting was due to my friend who did it on his own while meeting his now in-laws. yet another day together knowing and opening more to each other I opened all my cards to her keeping my life as an openbook in front of her to read, she did it as well to an extent. Finally the time came which I didn't wish but knowing that much more of it is about to come I was equally excited.
I came back home, narrated everything to my parents but still they had doubts of their own but I tried and convinced a lot of it because finally me being happy was their motto, they agreed to meet her and decide further. While I was planning on how the next steps need to be taken, again I experienced that she was bit upset and asked to have a call, which again made me worried. She had her own doubts about living in a fast moving city, her career aspirations and family-work balance, home etc. I tried to provide her with clarity on what ever I can and being truthful to the current scenario I was at. I am an above average looking, well educated, earning handsomely to the standards of society and following my dreams, single child was like of many as my mother always stated but whatever prospects were shown to me never really interested me but she quite matched a lot. She asked for another day to think but she didn't want to waste my time as well because I was growing old as per her and it was just close to more than 6 months we were writing and talking to each other. The confusion and sadness in her tone already gave me the answer and sleepless night but I wanted to hear from her and next day she did it. She stated "My father don't want to send me in the fast pace city as he believes she cant manage there...but silently it was her decision as well along with horoscope thing."
The world came falling on me when I heard it even when I knew it because I had jinxed the same from last time when I left for job to another city same had happened, I was left alone and now again when I am back within 2 days I was rejected again only the last time was 2 months to rejection. It was only 2nd day to work and this had already made me sad which overtook the happiness of coming back home, new job and all. I wanted sometime to come out of it but the daily convos had made it impossible. Still I took 2 days to gulp the bitter truth and resume the daily convos. During this time I received the wedding invitation video of my best friend and roommate of 3 years, he was getting married to his love after seeing a lot of ups and downs from both of their family but they stuck together and finally were getting hitched. This struck my mind very sharply, I thought that even if she wants this and only the background scenarios are becoming an obstacle then we can also go through it. This live example and Bollywood Stories, some of her words had made me realize that this could be the possibility. As far as I understood her, she too didn't believe in horoscope, her career aspirations were high and wanted to grow in her field, she told money was not important to her but the partner is. With what all we talked and decided I felt that I should atleast talk to her about this once. But I was equally worried because I had the rejection twice and I didn't wanted to put her in that situation again, also my self respect and ego was not allowing me to ask her again, I also was worried that If its a No, i couldn't take the blow like last time happened, it took me nearly 2 years to come out of it and now it would be even more difficult because I don't have that kind of time. I told that I wanted to talk but she was busy and would pass it on and I was even relaxed that I didn't had to do it today. But the wait was just too much and hanging on see saw was just making it risky.
Finally one night again after low tone and tensed writing I took the courage to talk to her about this and explained whats going on in my mind and a lot of things. She listened patiently and replied with a "NO, its not possible lets leave it..." This time I couldn't hold myself and almost controlled because I couldn't cry to her. Again I was standing in the same situation where I prioritize my feelings above my self respect and again the situation was the same when I felt that this is the correct thing to do. Someone told me there is a reason why Brain is placed above Heart and I have always listened to heart but never Mind. It has made me much more angrier with myself that even after going through it once I again tried it and had t go through all this again. I could have easily let it go but I chose this and pain followed with it. All the feelings that I had controlled during this 7 months had now all arrived at once leaving me shattered as to why didn't I showed them or told her about it earlier. But what can be done now. She said that her Mom is already looking for other prospects and she compares them to me, while she once said she wanted a husband like her uncle. The example of her requirement changed from her uncle to my attributes but not me, she knows that it is wrong but still she does it. But what could I do now, there are plenty of fish as they say, she said, Mom said but who will explain them that it is not the same. I don't feel like continuing or doing anything now and I started by deleting the Matrimonial Websites which I never used in last 7 months.
How will life turn in the coming days, weeks or years....I don't know but definitely not the way I had expected...Expectations, Wishes always do Kill.....what is written for Me.... I don't know but Life has now been nothing but the daily course of office-home stuff...I may try to write but then I think about what...So meet you all until next time if I have anything otherwise Dasvidaniya!!!
